Dear Friend.

I just learned that your marriage of 25 years is ending. This sounds so very painful for so many reasons. 

I don’t know what to say. 

However, I do hope nobody will tell you, “I know how you feel”. 
Because they don’t know how you truly feel, now do they?

Your loss, your grief, is unique to YOU. 
There is no other loss like it. 
Only versions of it. 

There is only one of you and therefore only one unique loss between you and your partner and a different unique loss with each of your children, your pets, your home, your friends and extended family members. 

Even if someone tells you the myth of “Give it time” and it is conveyed with empathy, it may be frustrating and disrespectful to hear. 

It is okay for you to have those feelings and any other feelings you are experiencing. 

You lost something important to you, and I can only imagine how incredibly difficult that must be for you. 

Is it safe to assume that you wish things could be different? 

No words can be said to understand what you must be feeling. 

However, when and if you are ready, I am here to listen to you. 

To listen to  ALL of your feelings. 
The big ones, the little ones, the ones from long ago, the ones that have been put in a closet because nobody wanted to hear or listen to those unpleasant feelings of yours. 

All of your feelings matter, my dear friend. 
There are no “bad feelings” and there are no “good feelings”. 
There are just “feelings". 

When our world trains us to speak the misaligned sentiment of  “Don’t feel bad” what we really are hearing is “Hide your feelings that are unpleasant.” 

What do most of these translate this to mean?
People don’t want to deal with the “unpleasant” parts of each other. 
They only want the “pleasant” version of you. 

However, both the pleasant and unpleasant high and the low energy feelings matter as well as everything else in this spectrum of feelings. 

Why? 

Because they are you. 
Beautiful, unique, inspiring you. 
Vulnerable you. 
Brave and courageous you. 

All of you. 
And ALL of you matters to me. 
And matters to so many others. 

We all just need to re-learn how to listen. 
Really listen. 

Not fix. 
Not judge. 
Not criticize or demonize our feelings. 

When we are trying to fix, judge, criticize or demonize our feelings, we are doing this to our essence. 

Our essence is not broken. 
Our essence is perfect. 
We were born this way. 

Accepting all of our feelings results in accepting all parts of ourselves. 
All of it. 
Unconditionally. 

This practice of becoming a “heart with ears”- no mouth to speak, no eyes to judge- helps us to re-learn to love ourselves just as we are in every moment of the day. 

It is a practice, not a “perfect” . 

You will relapse. You will forget. 
And then you will remember again. 
And it will get easier. 

So find that “heart with ears”. 
Find that safe one to be a witness - not a judge - to your loss. 

And if you need that to be me, it would be an honor to do that for you. 
I am ready to listen to your story, hold tenderly your loss, and sit and be with all of your feelings. 

You matter. 
You are enough. 
And you are so loved. 

I know it in my bones.

With Love and some Lightness for Your Heart, 
​Bernadette

References:
Grief Recovery Method Website
www.griefrecoverymethod.com/grms/bernadette-luzama-noll
The Grief Recovery Institute founded by John James and Russell Friedman
​https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/our-programs/support-groups​
https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/our-programs/one-on-one-support
Permission to Feel by Dr. Marc Brackett
https://marcbrackett.com/permission-to-feel/

I temporarily lost our home for a year as a result of a fire from my neighbor.

This displacement of living in hotels in six weeks, and eventually a rental was not part of my plan as I began my new role as New Jersey's Region I's McKinney-Vento Navigator
the month prior to the fire. 

The purpose of this job was to bring awareness to schools, communities and families about how the McKinney-Vento federal law eliminates barriers to education for children and their families who are temporarily housed. 

I guess you can joke that I took my job very seriously. 

​However, it was the best thing that happened to me. 

I gained so much perspective on loss and what is needed tin order to thrive in our society: permanent housing, connection and grief recovery from loss. 

While  navigating my personal losses, 
and working in this new role, 
I discovered resources
I did not know were available when I was an educator.

I learned of the unsung heroes that work without recognition
to make the world a better place for those who are underserved. 

I listened to single mothers and families who were scared, confused and lost.
They were grieving without support, 
showing up every day as best as they could 
to keep living this one most precious life. 

​The best practice I learned from all these beautiful people was
to actively listen without fixing, 
to support and value one's strength during one's most challenging time, 
and ask-
not tell them-
if they needed help. 

I discovered that 

"How can I support you?" 
instead of 
"What do you need?" 
was more empowering and less demoralizing. 
It sent the message that 
"We are doing this together" 
instead of  traditional 
"charity work" of pity. 

Like them, I did not want pity. 
Like them, I did not want to be a bother. 
Like them, I wanted to still believe that I belonged to something bigger than my loss:
humanity. 

I took this message
-their messages-
to school districts, superintendents, agencies and organizations through
my tailored made trainings, workshops and presentations. 

The more I learned from them,
the more I adjusted my teachings to others who would be serving them. 

The more I learned about myself, 
the more I learned that
intellect and logic did not going to heal my loss or anyone else's loss.

A heart with ears- a witness to my grief- 
to their grief- 
is all that was needed. 

While working with these unsung heroes,
I felt that I was making an impact on a more nourishing world. 
with these unsung heroes. 

I did not want it to end. 

But the grant that supported my work did end. 

And now I am ready to share all of these experiences with you,
if you are ready for it.  

If you or your organization is willing and able
to learn the tools that can help any one with any loss, 
let's connect.  

Together we can normalize grief by lightening losses one heart at a time. 

Thank you!

PS- If you know anyone in the United States who has experienced loss,
please offer to contact the American Red Cross. 
(www.redcross.org/find-your-local-chapter.html). 

I was not aware of this great resource that has a team of heroes who will be with you within 24 hours of your loss.

​They will guide and navigate you through resources
(including a free night's stay at a hotel) and offer emotional and mental support. ​